traumatic september, tragic october

how am I gonna put this. this sounds selfish, but at this point i just don’t care anymore.

i gave birth to my first born, a girl, on sept 15 (last month). she had to be admitted to nicu. my heart breaks to pieces on every single day i could not hold her in my arms and with the traumatic labour.

and then we fought for her, my parents came to see me. mum wanted to see the paed. she wanted to discuss the possibility of bringing the baby back home because to her it’s just ridiculous because hospital sg buloh treated us as if we have no parents, more so that the social workers thought i am an unfit mum, unable to take care of my own child. as if seremban has no general hospital of its own. but on the same day my mum came, baby was allowed to be roomed-in with me. then another few days of bullshits by the docs that the baby had low sodium level and the forced MRI.

we had enough. i skyped with my sis and mum, crying and they told me to just discharge the baby and bring her home.

we discharged her with AOR (at-own-risk) and thought that would be it, despite the possible brain damage because she was flatline for a while.

that was on sept 21. my 3-month-old nephew had his aqiqah on the same day, and 21st is our monthly-versary of being a couple.

the whole family came to my house, and i was happy holding little R in my arms.

Continue reading

HSB’s child, mum friendly policy

DSC_0223

So you’ve read my two previous posts (They say and My baby is in NICU. I don’t want to say a lot on HSB policy, but that image above was all around the hospital.

I am NOT trying to show off, or bragging about my birth, or to to bite my thumb at HSB as some thinks. But one sided story and assumptions made me ‘geram’ and enough is enough. There are two sides of a coin and this is mine.

Maybe I was at fault at some things, maybe it’s theirs. But as I haven’t loudly put any blame on them as much as they LOVE to put their own lack of professionalism, courtesy and blame on me, I don’t know.

I was hesitant to tell people about me giving birth. Because I am not sure what will happen to my baby. At least until she is okay. But my genius youngest sister had to blurt it out in our whatsapp group. So the shit hit the fan and I am braving my day for any lashing out from my family, or from anyone. On what shoulds and shouldnots, could and couldnots, how my dad would gleefully told me that I have ‘stubborn certified’ stamped across my forehead.

Continue reading

They Say

“If you were me, could you defend the given rights to all of man?”

(edit: March 6, 2014:

if you read this page or maybe not, that means you agree that you are reading this on your own free will. this is a PERSONAL story, true events, no holds barred. i will censor all the names again by my own preference, since you brave enough to take this old post i shared with a closed group and share outside of it, but no balls and tits to even remotely tell me i should censor them.

you can think whatever you want on your social media, i can think whatever i want. this is NOT a made-up story, or finding who is the victim, or to tarnish anyone’s reputation, be it your parents, your siblings, relatives, friends.

why you post it publicly?
– so that if i die, someone bound to get this page if i forgot to let them know. can you imagine not knowing ever? yes. ah okay.

why do you hate Dr S. and Dr. K?
– i don’t. but they would re-think how they treated me and others, should they remember me

why you hate the gomen hospital so much?
– i don’t. but i won’t go deep on that. you seems smart to jump into that by yourself.

kau MUSTI orang jenis taknak vaksin, percaya google and wikipedier, anak mati..padan muka.
– OMG..sedap mulut. vaksin atau tak, itu hak parents. aku bawak anak aku vaksin, tak pernah miss. apa kejadah kau ni, anti google? sumpah tak pernah guna google ke? kalau orang cam kau jenis guna google mmg confirm ok tapi utk aku tak? come on.

why you close comments? you sked issit? sked kitty fatty boo boo
– I just found out about auto closed comment in setting. i dunnolah about blogging blogging ni. i am so dumb. then i found it. then i was like wheeeeee i clickkkk wheeee.

Untitled-1

you are one selfish prick! may God(s) curse you into the nothingness and your child become stupid!
– i know. but that is not so religious of you to say that. would u like people to say that to you?

by reading this, I assume you read this as well.

read at your own risk. i risk myself everyday to just to live.)

Continue reading

my birth plan

i worked hard for my birth plan. from all paragraphs, then in point forms, a check list, then how disappointed i was that Dr. K refused to even look through my birth plan (instead she suggested me to give it to ANY doctor available during the birth of my baby), i want to give, by far, the simplest version of the birth plan i could write.

i do not want to be discarded as another faceless mother-to-be that they had to grudgingly attend.

again, i am not hoping that they will follow it to the T, as that would only be a wishful thinking and they would just say “but…we are a government hospital!”, i would not give up hope.

i bet there are at least ONE wise and experienced doctor in HSB who have heard that there is an existence of  such thing, and he/she could be understanding enough to at least accommodate to some of the requests.

or else, in this short span of time, we are thinking of changing to another hospital as i might been seen as a nuisance and difficult just because i have opinions and not just being submissive.

a birth is supposed to be an enjoyable moment and not to be feared of.

Continue reading

meeting with dr. k at ante natal clinic

last week, due to me simply blabbing at the KKIA to the doctor of being suicidal and my heart blood pressure keeps on climbing, i was admitted to Hospital SB, at the emergency birth ward.

i wish  i knew i was talking to a psychiatrist mo who was on duty, so i could keep my mouth shut and tell them what they want to hear.

fast forward to today and i had an appointment. i was late because i slept late. a female doctor in glasses ‘taunted’ me at the ANC that she could have just sent me back. muttering under her breath in english.

i told her “if you want me to go back, i have no problem whatsoever.”

she started to blame the KKIA for setting up the appointment and i told her it was the hospital itself who set it up. and i repeat again i’d be more than happy to ask my husband to drive me back home because at that point of time i was pretty agitated with her lack of professionalism, even after i apologise for being late for the appointment.

i wanted a birth plan of my own. you must have been thinking, why the fuck i want a birth plan in a hospital kerajaan for? because despite the slowness, how ‘full’ the hospital is since everyone from selangor mostly there, i would like to have a little faith that they care.

Continue reading

du bist was du bist a.k.a no holds barred

i am not here to create commotions, confusions.

just a normal homemaker, first time pregnant and in week 35 by now, in malaysia, ‘registered’ to give birth in a government hospital, hospital SB, because we can’t afford a semi-private or private ones.

i mostly write in small capital letters, unless my keyboard can automatically changed in in case. which can happen, if i use my tablet. it would be mixed in both bahasa malaysia and english.

the posts will not going to entertain you with pictures and animated gifs. mostly will be me venting, and telling everything and anything that happens.

some can be objective, some can be emotional as fuck. why? because i am pregnant, goddammit.

if i can’t put my thoughts into paper – or a digital paper such as this – i might go crazy.

names of the ob gyns and mo will be in initials, so if you know, then you know. if you don’t, just read it and think and then move along.

i am stressed a lot these days, and this is how i can calm down and collect myself. maybe my stories will be worth sharing. maybe you want to know how giving birth in a govt hospital really feels like.

because i am planning not to hide anything….much.