traumatic september, tragic october

how am I gonna put this. this sounds selfish, but at this point i just don’t care anymore.

i gave birth to my first born, a girl, on sept 15 (last month). she had to be admitted to nicu. my heart breaks to pieces on every single day i could not hold her in my arms and with the traumatic labour.

and then we fought for her, my parents came to see me. mum wanted to see the paed. she wanted to discuss the possibility of bringing the baby back home because to her it’s just ridiculous because hospital sg buloh treated us as if we have no parents, more so that the social workers thought i am an unfit mum, unable to take care of my own child. as if seremban has no general hospital of its own. but on the same day my mum came, baby was allowed to be roomed-in with me. then another few days of bullshits by the docs that the baby had low sodium level and the forced MRI.

we had enough. i skyped with my sis and mum, crying and they told me to just discharge the baby and bring her home.

we discharged her with AOR (at-own-risk) and thought that would be it, despite the possible brain damage because she was flatline for a while.

that was on sept 21. my 3-month-old nephew had his aqiqah on the same day, and 21st is our monthly-versary of being a couple.

the whole family came to my house, and i was happy holding little R in my arms.

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HSB’s child, mum friendly policy

DSC_0223

So you’ve read my two previous posts (They say and My baby is in NICU. I don’t want to say a lot on HSB policy, but that image above was all around the hospital.

I am NOT trying to show off, or bragging about my birth, or to to bite my thumb at HSB as some thinks. But one sided story and assumptions made me ‘geram’ and enough is enough. There are two sides of a coin and this is mine.

Maybe I was at fault at some things, maybe it’s theirs. But as I haven’t loudly put any blame on them as much as they LOVE to put their own lack of professionalism, courtesy and blame on me, I don’t know.

I was hesitant to tell people about me giving birth. Because I am not sure what will happen to my baby. At least until she is okay. But my genius youngest sister had to blurt it out in our whatsapp group. So the shit hit the fan and I am braving my day for any lashing out from my family, or from anyone. On what shoulds and shouldnots, could and couldnots, how my dad would gleefully told me that I have ‘stubborn certified’ stamped across my forehead.

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my birth plan

i worked hard for my birth plan. from all paragraphs, then in point forms, a check list, then how disappointed i was that Dr. K refused to even look through my birth plan (instead she suggested me to give it to ANY doctor available during the birth of my baby), i want to give, by far, the simplest version of the birth plan i could write.

i do not want to be discarded as another faceless mother-to-be that they had to grudgingly attend.

again, i am not hoping that they will follow it to the T, as that would only be a wishful thinking and they would just say “but…we are a government hospital!”, i would not give up hope.

i bet there are at least ONE wise and experienced doctor in HSB who have heard that there is an existence of  such thing, and he/she could be understanding enough to at least accommodate to some of the requests.

or else, in this short span of time, we are thinking of changing to another hospital as i might been seen as a nuisance and difficult just because i have opinions and not just being submissive.

a birth is supposed to be an enjoyable moment and not to be feared of.

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du bist was du bist a.k.a no holds barred

i am not here to create commotions, confusions.

just a normal homemaker, first time pregnant and in week 35 by now, in malaysia, ‘registered’ to give birth in a government hospital, hospital SB, because we can’t afford a semi-private or private ones.

i mostly write in small capital letters, unless my keyboard can automatically changed in in case. which can happen, if i use my tablet. it would be mixed in both bahasa malaysia and english.

the posts will not going to entertain you with pictures and animated gifs. mostly will be me venting, and telling everything and anything that happens.

some can be objective, some can be emotional as fuck. why? because i am pregnant, goddammit.

if i can’t put my thoughts into paper – or a digital paper such as this – i might go crazy.

names of the ob gyns and mo will be in initials, so if you know, then you know. if you don’t, just read it and think and then move along.

i am stressed a lot these days, and this is how i can calm down and collect myself. maybe my stories will be worth sharing. maybe you want to know how giving birth in a govt hospital really feels like.

because i am planning not to hide anything….much.