traumatic september, tragic october

how am I gonna put this. this sounds selfish, but at this point i just don’t care anymore.

i gave birth to my first born, a girl, on sept 15 (last month). she had to be admitted to nicu. my heart breaks to pieces on every single day i could not hold her in my arms and with the traumatic labour.

and then we fought for her, my parents came to see me. mum wanted to see the paed. she wanted to discuss the possibility of bringing the baby back home because to her it’s just ridiculous because hospital sg buloh treated us as if we have no parents, more so that the social workers thought i am an unfit mum, unable to take care of my own child. as if seremban has no general hospital of its own. but on the same day my mum came, baby was allowed to be roomed-in with me. then another few days of bullshits by the docs that the baby had low sodium level and the forced MRI.

we had enough. i skyped with my sis and mum, crying and they told me to just discharge the baby and bring her home.

we discharged her with AOR (at-own-risk) and thought that would be it, despite the possible brain damage because she was flatline for a while.

that was on sept 21. my 3-month-old nephew had his aqiqah on the same day, and 21st is our monthly-versary of being a couple.

the whole family came to my house, and i was happy holding little R in my arms.

bro took this picture while i was talking to R.

i went back to my parents home for confinement period for total 40 days.

came october. was only a week at my hometown. went back to my house for awhile then came the bad unexpected news.

i lost my mum, a 59yo, on oct 9. she collapsed at home after picking up my niece from the kindergarten the day before. she was flatline in the ambulance until she reached the hospital 5 minutes later. docs had to resuscitate her 7 times. she was bleeding inside her mouth because one of the young docs at ER said it’s ok that she won’t bite her tongue. she told this to my bro who questioned that if my mum bit her tongue.

stupid doctor. took my bro’s worry for granted.

she was later sedated, unconscious but aware still. that was afternoon, and my sisters took turn to be with her through the night. my youngest sister informed us she had a high fever due to a lung infection that she got after she was admitted. we were hoping and praying that she stabilises so we could send her to Institut Jantung Negara as soon as possible as she has never collapsed before..

docs were puzzled by her collapse as her other vital signs were ok. but one medical doc told the other docs to treat it as a cardiac episode.

she didn’t make it the next morning. dad wanted to give up but bro and sisters insisted on trying to cpr one last time. her bp was low and then there was none.

i cried not because i am sad that she’s gone. i am angry. and still am. she was buried on the same day she passed away, around 5.30pm. i am still in the confinement so i couldn’t go to the funeral.

my daughter is only 20+ days, i am still not too strong, and now my mum is gone. and maybe it is a coincidence, finn episode on Glee, oct 11.

Finn, played by Cory Monteith who passed away due to drug overdose not long after the previous season ended.

I watch Glee since the first season. But I have been skipping the songs since last season, just watched the stories. but i didn’t skip any during finn episode.

i am lost. although i have my kid and a very supporting husband, i still feel lost. i need my mum’s guidance still. i need to know what to do if my baby cries, or what to do, and how to cook for my own confinement food. she left while i still need her guidance.

my full name means a guiding light, but my own guiding light is gone and left a very empty place. god gives me a child and took away my mum and this happened in a very short period. i don’t think it’s fair, and i have no positivity remark to hold on to.

aidiladha festival is just a few days away. i was happy thinking it would be my first child’s festival with her whole close family. now one person is no longer there.

thanks for all the kisses on the cheek even it was me who requested it all the time, the stories, helping me out with my studies since i was in primary school, how you taught me how to cook my own first dish for the siblings at 11/12yo, how you always never expect me to be the best but that what drove me to be one.

thank you for smiling when i made stupid jokes, for teaching me and my siblings the rights and wrongs, for being there for us, for always be the voice of reasons when we had doubts.

i wish you did notice how much i care for you, love you, even when you said nothing at all. thank you for always know how to console me even if you said you didn’t know how to handle me.

and i wish in some way, i have made you proud, even for a little bit.

rest in peace, cory. rest in peace, mother. i don’t know if i could find the strength anymore. at least not in this short of time.

i dunno if i can ever be happy for the longest of time.

i am afraid of what would happen on the next month, and the next, and the next.

but i am not afraid to say that i love you ibu, or sayang ibu. i have been saying that to you for the longest of time…