“If you were me, could you defend the given rights to all of man?”
(edit: March 6, 2014:
if you read this page or maybe not, that means you agree that you are reading this on your own free will. this is a PERSONAL story, true events, no holds barred. i will censor all the names again by my own preference, since you brave enough to take this old post i shared with a closed group and share outside of it, but no balls and tits to even remotely tell me i should censor them.
you can think whatever you want on your social media, i can think whatever i want. this is NOT a made-up story, or finding who is the victim, or to tarnish anyone’s reputation, be it your parents, your siblings, relatives, friends.
why you post it publicly?
– so that if i die, someone bound to get this page if i forgot to let them know. can you imagine not knowing ever? yes. ah okay.
why do you hate Dr S. and Dr. K?
– i don’t. but they would re-think how they treated me and others, should they remember me
why you hate the gomen hospital so much?
– i don’t. but i won’t go deep on that. you seems smart to jump into that by yourself.
kau MUSTI orang jenis taknak vaksin, percaya google and wikipedier, anak mati..padan muka.
– OMG..sedap mulut. vaksin atau tak, itu hak parents. aku bawak anak aku vaksin, tak pernah miss. apa kejadah kau ni, anti google? sumpah tak pernah guna google ke? kalau orang cam kau jenis guna google mmg confirm ok tapi utk aku tak? come on.
why you close comments? you sked issit? sked kitty fatty boo boo
– I just found out about auto closed comment in setting. i dunnolah about blogging blogging ni. i am so dumb. then i found it. then i was like wheeeeee i clickkkk wheeee.
you are one selfish prick! may God(s) curse you into the nothingness and your child become stupid!
– i know. but that is not so religious of you to say that. would u like people to say that to you?
by reading this, I assume you read this as well.
read at your own risk. i risk myself everyday to just to live.)
This is a personal account of a first time mother who gave birth in a government hospital environment, more specifically, Hospital SB. I strongly believe that workers there are underpaid, underappreciated, overworked, thus most of them had those causes to give the undesirable effects: giving a hard time to ‘patients’ who have an ounce or knowledge and questions things.
So Health Ministry, would you consider actually giving them higher basic salary so they can be happy working in a medical service industry than worrying about the need to increase the price of sugar related to diabetes?
And I have problems with few that they think above others and asked me to consider others while rarely considers mine.
But that does not mean in the sea of inconsiderate know-it-all that there are no one have gentle and kind soul.
There are and those few are to me my small miracles, a calm spot during the storm.
So spare your moral bullshit(s), know-it-all crap, on how should or should one react under pressure, how ‘that is what it supposed to be done since my nenek moyang’.
Cliche warning, but “Read if you want, leave if you want.”
I want to jot this down while it is still fresh in my mind and to remind me what those selected few makes me pissed off the moment I stepped in the observation room in the labour area. I too want and need to highlight certain medical practices that needs more flexibilities for my own lesson, should I encounter myself in the same situation(s).
And this page is insulting. Some of the early indicators of birth can be felt weeks or months before. And to hold a pregnant women for four to six hours with 3-5cm dilation at assessment centre? GOD DAMMIT WEH. Belum beranak, kau dah bagi anak beranak stressed.
Child friendly hospital much?
And that bullshit about mothers-to-be not remembering what happened? LIES. They either censor it from their mind or being too drugged up.
But I won’t censor names this time around. I censor loh.
Post-due birth and all that jazz
My birth show had came out few days after my due date. I saw that as no cause for alarm. I kept having anxiety when everyone asked me non stop why haven’t I gone to the hospital to give birth.
The simple answer is: I don’t feel any pain at that moment of time.
I am surrounded maybe not seen as a normal environment where everyone were chasing due dates, panic if nothing happens. My second sister was so heavily traumatised about her first birth at a private local hospital that she decided to have better process and gain more knowledge in birthing peacefully with her other kids. The one who lives with me helped as an emergency doula at one of the births.
I believe that as long as I have no serious illness, baby can come out when she feels like it. I don’t want her to be born into the world stressed, scared (but what happened to us later was another unfortunate matter) that she spends her whole life with low self esteem and confidence.
(Try to observe most of the first child in any family, especially where the parents did not have prior experience in childbirth. Despite the kid turned out to be a brave adult, was he initially scared easily, did anything just to mask the insecurity? Were they easily stressed as a kid? More trouble than the next one? Clever but easily shook up? Not calm? Coincidence, but not that all funny or ‘it just those phases to become an adult’ when you really think about it.)
The counter fight for my extreme low pain threshold was that I have learned and practised in managing my pain effectively, as long as there were no interferences and I could find my focus point.
After ten days post due, with false surges on some days, it was the time at 4am. I played PC game since the night before and thought I sat too long that my back hurts so much.
The pain was bearable until 10am on Sept 15. I started having hard surges in between 3 to 5mins. Knowing that there was no way that false surges could last in a long period, I informed my sisters.
My sisters (one at home with me and the other is 60km away) coached me on the early stage along with my husband. Rubbing my back, reminded me to breathe properly, and making sure I was calm.
We went to H.SB around 3pm, arrived 15mins later. The nurse at the labour room registration counter told me to use a wheelchair. I refused the offer/order because I needed to know how much pain I could still tolerate and by walking around, it helped to lessen the pain.
I know by that time, I would be seen as a potential troublemaker even when I did not intend to be one.
Fetal monitoring while contraction??
I was in the observation area all by myself and three doctors (perhaps housemen) came to me to put CTG (to measure baby’s heartbeat) on my stomac and did vaginal exam (VE) to check my dilation. And this was at 4.30pm.
I did not refuse any fetal monitor at this point of time. I was TRYING GOD DAMN HARD to keep it together, but the dub dub dub sound started to make me hurt even more. But let’s try to keep it on and hang on, I consoled myself quietly.
Remember Dr. K from my previous post, which refused my birth plan?
Her name is actually Dr. K*A and she was on call and came to see me. In a very harsh tone and condescending look, with her surrounded by the young doctors and nurses, sternly scold me why I let my pregnancy post due.
Painful as I was in, I was offended being humiliated as such and I replied harshly back that was because I was not in pain. She then questioned me as if I was a child, “Then why are you here?”
“My blood pressure was 154/110 and I am having contraction?!” I replied.
“Sorilah sebab Dr datang datang terus cakap macam cari gaduh, saya akan jawab macam tu jugak! (Sorry, but you came to me as if looking for a fight, so I am doing the same)!”, I added.
I told the doctor who was doing a VE, a petite and fair lady with glasses and long straight hair, to be kind when she wanted to pull out her fingers from the vagina, which OBVIOUSLY ignored as she yanked it away.
I flinched and saw blood on her gloves. Not sure it was my birth show or something else, but I started to feel annoyed by that.
Seriously annoyed, exactly.
She informed me that I was 4cm dilated.
Now and then I got down from the bed because lying down was uneasy and was scolded by the nurses. Told them I couldn’t lie down flat on my back due to my tailbone injury. One nurse was kind to adjust the bed.
The shrieking noises from the nearby toilet whenever people flush, in fact any type of noises set my surge off and it was getting painful. I had no one to accompany me. By that time, I asked the nurse if my sister could be with me since only both of them were around. Grudgingly Dr. K let it (I silently thanked her for that one small deed) as my sister rubbing my back and putting hot lotion on my back and thighs.
Again, another doctor, an hour after that, wanted to do another VE, and I let her do her job. As she puts her hand inside my vagina, another surge came along with it and she said I was still at 4cm.
But in that midst of screaming, this kind doc could still pull her fingers away without me feeling hurt from it.
CTG was still on, and another VE check made my surge gone wild. I was screaming because I could not find my focus point as they wanted for me to breathe their own way (rapid breath with my mouth open) while I was already doing fine deep breathing in and out with my nose.
“6cm”, the nurse said.
Low pain threshold and any noises ticked me off, I was promised a painkiller so I could keep the CTG on my stomach by a male doctor. (The latter part was LIES…LIESSS AND SLANDERRRR).
I tried to keep the CTG in place but it just agitated the surges even more. I could not stop moving. They told me they gonna do an internal monitor (wait, my water broke?), by putting a small metal rod on my baby’s head by scratching her head a bit (a bit?).
A doctor named Dr. S*H( She has this Penang mamak look, in tudung, moderately thin, talked in ‘pelat’ Bahasa which I have no idea why) made her roundings. From my googling around and if I could recall it perfectly, I did read about someone named Dr. S*H where she was the one responsible for a delay birth process of a baby that resulted in celebral palsy.
But obviously, I played dumb and didn’t mention that her reputation precedes her.
I had my finger crossed that I might get the wrong S*H.
My husband replaced my sister and I was wheeled off to the labour room around 6pm. I could still talk to my husband in between surges. Making jokes and screaming in between as well.
I was 8cm dilated around 8pm (geez, how convenient is that?) and the surges are bearable because my husband kept telling me to look at him, so in a way I had my focus point. I was looking at his nose. Lulz.
After that, they told me to wait until 10.25pm to see if I am fully dilated.
I was getting frustrated, so frustrated.
Like the kind of satisfaction you had after karaoke/jamming/on a rollercoaster, I screamed my frustration away like any other normal person.
With internal monitor, they still insisted on outside CTG. Told me but not really telling me, (which happened quite often during my stay there, as if I was a ghost overhearing whatever they said) that the machine for internal monitor was not working. I told them to take it off, and they said “to wait for the doctor to take it off”. And they never did until the very end.
But I’ll get to that soon.
I do however, wanted to say sorry to that one doctor (maybe a student doc) in that white lab coat who went out after I told them “NO STUDENTS PLEASE!”. Honestly, bro. From the bottom of my heart.
And thank you and sorry as well to that nurse who thought a Zikir or a Nasyid song played in the labour room could actually help me out. It didn’t, again I screamed to turn it off.
I was beginning to think that I was not in a multicultural labour room and hospital, but one-race/religion-skewed place.
Anyway…sorry bebanyak, kak.
Scream, H., scream
I kept screaming and calmed down during surges. What made it worse because I tried to then focus to a blue sticker above the sink during surges and was blocked by a nurse. My husband at that point of time was no use because he started crying. Yes, poor him, but I don’t need people to cry on me when I was crying at the same time.
I pushed the end part of the bed until it fell off while I was screaming in pain. They wanted to put me on pitocin. I refused. What’s the point? To hasten the process? To make YOUR life easier but not mine?
One nurse, when I was not in pain, told me “kau ni kalau takde contraction, baikk aja”.
You don’t say.
Moments after that my frustration not having a painkiller sunk in. I jumped from my bed, took my CTG off and demanded the painkiller. Was told by Dr. S*H that it was late in the delivery stage. But I told them if they wanted me on the bed again, they better give me what they had promised. I said this again and again.
She told my husband that if this is what I really want then they won’t put the CTG on again. My husband looked at me and I nodded.
“Then she and her husband is aware of what they’re getting into”, she said to the nurse.
Pissed off, I said : OBVIOUSLY!
She wanted to add more whatever insults and undermining words but my husband put his feet down by putting his hand up and said “enough, please doctor.”
Dr. S*H went out right afterwards.
As MUCH as they want to make sure and claim that they need to make sure the baby would not be ‘drowned’ inside, I felt and still feeling that there is no use logically to force a CONSTANT fetal monitor when a mum is already under the pain of contraction. They won’t find it as we mums in labour could not stay still in one place. We will be like any other pregnant beings, tossing and turning to make ourselves comfortable.
Unless of course, we are paralysed, or under epidural (which I was not under) and no contraction despite dilated close to 10cm, thus a constant monitor is a must.
I would be more than welcoming them if they wanted to periodically check with a doppler.
I went to the toilet, followed by three nurses who screamed that I would give birth at the toilet. I told her I need to pee.
As I was peeing, and I told her “see, no baby comes out?? I do NEED to push for that to happen!”
If birth is that simple that the baby can just fall as they ‘claimed’ to be and without hard pushing like Morticia Addams, then I’d be a happy person. /s
Yes, by that moment I was definitely being difficult on purpose because I was extremely irked by the way you promise me things and do not deliver!
Pantang betul aku!
And all these “mengucap, mengucap”, “tak sayang baby ke?”, “Jangan jerit/ tak baik jerit-jerit” “tak kesian ke dengan baby dan mak lain?” “istighfar lah, dikkk” “pikirlah ibu ibu yang lain” made me more pissed off.
And one of them said one thing that made me screamed even more: “untung awak ada suami macam dia (lucky you for having a husband like him)”.
I have NEVER heard that a LOT of times???!! (that’s me being sarcastic) and I went wild and screamed at the top of my lung along with the surge.
My husband quickly said “no no no no no no, don’t say that to her. it’s not helping”.
Eventually Dr. S*H came back and allowed a painkiller injection. And took the internal monitor off as well.
One senior nurse (I guess because she handled me almost perfectly) and told me to start pushing at 10.25pm and everytime I had the surges. It helped A LOT. My surges was short but with every push, it didn’t hurt much. Might (but debatable) have been the factor of the painkiller worked a bit as well.
Told to inhale the numbing gas, it didn’t work shit. All I got was feeling dizzy and vomit-ty. And funny too. I did chuckle. So I stopped inhaling it.
Battle is on!
So my battle was on at 10.45pm. Three people was there, two nurses and a doctor. I didn’t scream anymore at this point of time. And I made sure despite my undesirable birthing position (reclining bed with my feet bended to push the metal part) that my ass won’t go up.
“Push whenever you feel like pushing”, the doctor who’s in charge of stretching my vagina wall said.
And that’s where the unnecessary vocal coaching started. I was forced to push like I wanted to pass motion, even if I didn’t feel like it.
I cried because I KNOW that I will have my perineum tore up due to this. I refused episiotomy because that was the only thing from my birthing plan that they have not violently violated and I wanted…no, what i NEEDED at that moment.
They insisted on episiotomy. Again, I refused. I KNOW I can push, but not being forced into. I was tired from my hands holding each side of the bed.
“Lagi, lagi lagi lagi lagi!” and “teran macam geram” were two chants from them that was repeated again and again.
I am birthing a baby, my own beautiful baby, why the FUCK for I can geram for?
It was during 11.10pm that the doctor told that I need to be fast because the nurse had another two rooms to handle to. Biting my lips, I caved in. Not because I was feeling weak, but after all the screaming and the difficulties I put them through, that nurse at least deserve that.
So pitocin is in by a small amount and I pushed three more times.
An episiotomy was suggested again and I told them “okay, but just a small one”.
While the doctor was getting ready to take the scissor, I had one last push.
In the end, no episiotomy.
With no episiotomy, I gave birth to a our firstborn, a beautiful baby girl (at least to both of us) at 11.22pm, Sept 15, 2013. Pleaded them to leave the cord at least for a minute but they cut it off anyway.
I remembered all the blood supply she should get from the umbilical cord but didn’t and I finally “geram”.
As she was put on my hospital shirt, she opened her eyes and cried a bit. All the geram faded as I was relieved that she is alive.
All those talks during the pregnancy to scare the shit out of me, mild this and mild that, possible this and that, my baby is a healthy baby although I didn’t notice any more vernix on her skin but she was partially covered with meconium (newborn’s poo).
But they didn’t think so. They whisked her away before my hand could reach out to touch her skin. Putting baby on my chest, covered with my shirt, no skin-to-skin.
(or was this part of a grand plan of not letting me to be near baby due to psychiatric reasons? You decide.)
Suctions of fluids from her nose and throat, vitamin K injection, cleaning the baby was not done in front of me or at my presence. No direct explanation given immediately until I kept calling my daughter’s name and crying.
“Her child has swallowed a solid meconium into her body. She was flatline for a moment,” a male doctor told the other doctor.
(Flatline? When? How? I swear that husband and I heard her voice and saw her opening her eyes right after birth.)
It sounded partly true and partly made up. And with no decency to inform me first made me wonder were their professionalism gone down the drain or due to my screamings earlier, they felt that I don’t deserve to be treated like a human being.
The senior nurse massaged and pulled my cord slowly and I birthed my placenta easily, less than 5 minutes. It was intact. And it was freaking big.
I cried and calling out my baby’s name non stop. And I haven’t seen her.
Not even when the rest of Malaysians celebrating Malaysia Day at the struck of midnight.
Husband was told to go out, but with ‘pleading’ hormone in me, I pleaded him not to.
“It’s the hospital procedure,” the doc told. I cried and he told me that he would just be outside.
No one to hold my hand.
Perinum tear: First degree tear outside. But second degree inside, as checked by Dr. S*H who came in later. I was stitched up, but Dr. S*H kept on pulling my labia (I have an extremely sensitive labia, not sure if THAT is seen as abnormal) and kept on jerking my body even after three local anaesthesia injected around my outer vagina,
I told her it was not the pain of getting sew up, but stop pulling my labia! She ignored me.
I signed the form to allow me to be stitched up in operating theatre because she told me that I ‘don’t want to cooperate’ so the procedure had to be done semi sedated from the waist down.
I read the whole thing through, surprisingly, (because no one should be sucked into signing anything unknown) and questioned them about things I needed to know. Then I said OK.
A catheter was put inside my pee hole (that’s my layman’s term, SHUT IT!) as well.
Grudgingly and briefly explained, but an explanation nevertheless. Fair enough.
There were a lot of people in the OT, some of them were talking about their work, one gentle lady keep attending to my call if I ever had a question while Dr. S*H sat down and continue the stitching.
I asked the gentle lady with short ponytail beforehand to be absolutely sure that I was semi and temporarily paralysed after the spinal anaesthesia, so she poked my arms, my stomach, and my thigh softly with a needle so I would know that I am confirmed numb.
(Thank you for that).
After the operation, my husband wasn’t outside the operating room. Only later I got to know that even he is promised to be let in, the security guards downstairs wouldn’t allow it.
Saw him at the ward, he put the socks on my feet, kissed me goodbye and then I was alone.
I saw the empty crib beside my bed.
My heart breaks even more.
Next: My baby is in NICU