Mental health

some things that i have observed:

  • some psychiatrists need to understand that people with anger problem, need not to be asked same countless questions all the time. so, only attend to a patient after you have read her/his case file. not during. you don’t want to wait, so neither the one who you are attending to.
  • never, never never NEVER talk over someone with a problem with a mental health. even how expert you are, how busy you are, how harmless the case might be. the patient would not be open enough to say anything, the same goes with bringing your phone along.  we don’t answer our phone during a session, now why should you?
  • try not to suggest a word to them, then when they use YOUR word, you ask cheekily ‘whoah, that is interesting that you mentioned that. may i know why?’. it is annoying and power of suggestion does not work in this context.
  • try to stay away from asking ‘have you attempted suicide yet?’. if they did already, they won’t be there talking to you in the first place now.
  • this is important. NEVER mix religion and counselling into a session. no matter how much the patient has similar race or religion such as yours. if i want to talk about religion or even touch an ounce of it, i might have talked to any regular joes or janes. this include an ideation is a form of ‘hasutan syaitan’. you do NOT want them to think that they hear voices now, do you?


some just want to be appreciated, like their words and problems (even for a moment) means something to someone. we KNOW you have your life to go back to, other patients to see, we are aware of that. but when they go back, and you move on about your day of work, it is the patient will think over the discussion while you are happily sit down at a cafeteria talking how ‘funny’ and how ‘pretentious’ the previous patients were.




my birth plan

i worked hard for my birth plan. from all paragraphs, then in point forms, a check list, then how disappointed i was that Dr. K refused to even look through my birth plan (instead she suggested me to give it to ANY doctor available during the birth of my baby), i want to give, by far, the simplest version of the birth plan i could write.

i do not want to be discarded as another faceless mother-to-be that they had to grudgingly attend.

again, i am not hoping that they will follow it to the T, as that would only be a wishful thinking and they would just say “but…we are a government hospital!”, i would not give up hope.

i bet there are at least ONE wise and experienced doctor in HSB who have heard that there is an existence of  such thing, and he/she could be understanding enough to at least accommodate to some of the requests.

or else, in this short span of time, we are thinking of changing to another hospital as i might been seen as a nuisance and difficult just because i have opinions and not just being submissive.

a birth is supposed to be an enjoyable moment and not to be feared of.

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the benefit of delayed cord clamping

aku tak paham. sapa cakap potong tali pusat baby cepat2 atas alasan ‘nanti baby tak dapat bernafas’ is horse shit, dan sengaja nak membodohkan bakal bakal ibu. i am all for pro-vaccine, but cutting the cord as soon as possible will not lessen the jaundice, but worsen it even more. the same if you give a newborn baby a bath as soon as she/he comes in to the world.

birth is not something to be feared about, but the mindset of some people irks me. you had sex, made it out of pure love, and suddenly you are bombarded with the stress of giving birth, which to me, will stress the baby as well.

unless i have HIV in my blood, what is the harm of at least wait for 5 minutes? again, i am not giving birth at a gomen hospital for free. the docs, nurses and midwives aren’t working there for free.

i still have faith for them. but i wish they have the faith in mother-to-be too, rather than doing things just to speed things up.

tali pusat yang masih berdenyut dan masih mengalirkan darah back and forth with the baby and placenta can be seen as berpintal and gemuk sikit. once it stop pulsating, it will be like thing white usus kambing yang dah dipicit isik tahinya.


give baby the chance, despite there is a chance of a delay cord clamping CAN cause jaundice…occasionally.


The World Health Organization recommends clamping of the cord after one to three minutes because it “improves the iron status of the infant.” Occasionally delayed clamping can lead to jaundice in infants, caused by liver trouble or an excessive loss of red blood cells, and so the W.H.O. advises that access to therapy for jaundice be taken into consideration.

from nytimes

and from medicalnewstoday:

“The benefits of delayed cord clamping need to be weighed against the small additional risk of jaundice in newborns. Later cord clamping to increase iron stores might be particularly beneficial in settings where severe anaemia is common”

these are just links from the internet. but i bet them docs must have more resources and up-to-date medical journals that they can refer to, and not just doing things just because ‘that’s what has been done centuries ago’.

general anaesthesia was being seen as a common thing for giving birth once upon a time. so if they can change that, why not keep on changing to give a birth experience a memorable one?

expectant mothers are not those faceless people. they have to bear with the child and anything that might happen to the child at home. the least they can have a decent non-traumatic experience at a public hospitals.

but then again, one can just hope.


symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD)

and these past few weeks, my pubic bone hurts like hell. can;t even toss and turn as much as i like. everytime i turn, there this “klik” sound on my my lower back. no, not that kind of the ‘krruup’ relieving sound it makes. climbing stairs is extra difficult, let alone got up and get inside the car.

looking about my symptoms. some said it’s normal (any ‘pain’ is normal la now?).

but one caught my eye: symphysis pubis dysfunction or SPD.

and the symptoms match, 99% to the T.

from NHS

the most detail about SPD i could find (yes, i am plus size, someone even think i got a ‘busung’.)

i did fell down the stairs and hurt my tail bone few months ago and i am still recovering.

pleaded with the ob-gyn through my birth plan that is seen ‘unusual’ in a govt hospital that i can’t do lithotomy, like this one:

lithotomy position from

because i sure hell did try on my own, and fuck, i can’t even squat because of my tail bone hurting.

with SPD, the position is not even recommended. but noooo, dr. k said ‘that is the only position available at hsb’.

*flips table*

i did vacuum and clean my house extra lot during my pregnancy. because i feel it is extra messy and it pisses me off.

and i push my own shopping cart…because bringing a basket wouldn’t make sense if you have tons of groceries now, would it?

i am torn between getting massively bored by resting at home, or walk around so i can give birth easy.


of hospital bag, baby bag, and other things

i am tired by thinking about it. so i just make do. just realised that i have less than 4 weeks due to popping up a human being out of my vagina.

then i realised i packed nothing prior to hari raya (just in case she decides to come out early).

husband helped out in packing up my hospital bags and all things are in there, except few kain batik and/or pelikat.

and here are what’s going into the baby bag:

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meeting with dr. k at ante natal clinic

last week, due to me simply blabbing at the KKIA to the doctor of being suicidal and my heart blood pressure keeps on climbing, i was admitted to Hospital SB, at the emergency birth ward.

i wish  i knew i was talking to a psychiatrist mo who was on duty, so i could keep my mouth shut and tell them what they want to hear.

fast forward to today and i had an appointment. i was late because i slept late. a female doctor in glasses ‘taunted’ me at the ANC that she could have just sent me back. muttering under her breath in english.

i told her “if you want me to go back, i have no problem whatsoever.”

she started to blame the KKIA for setting up the appointment and i told her it was the hospital itself who set it up. and i repeat again i’d be more than happy to ask my husband to drive me back home because at that point of time i was pretty agitated with her lack of professionalism, even after i apologise for being late for the appointment.

i wanted a birth plan of my own. you must have been thinking, why the fuck i want a birth plan in a hospital kerajaan for? because despite the slowness, how ‘full’ the hospital is since everyone from selangor mostly there, i would like to have a little faith that they care.

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du bist was du bist a.k.a no holds barred

i am not here to create commotions, confusions.

just a normal homemaker, first time pregnant and in week 35 by now, in malaysia, ‘registered’ to give birth in a government hospital, hospital SB, because we can’t afford a semi-private or private ones.

i mostly write in small capital letters, unless my keyboard can automatically changed in in case. which can happen, if i use my tablet. it would be mixed in both bahasa malaysia and english.

the posts will not going to entertain you with pictures and animated gifs. mostly will be me venting, and telling everything and anything that happens.

some can be objective, some can be emotional as fuck. why? because i am pregnant, goddammit.

if i can’t put my thoughts into paper – or a digital paper such as this – i might go crazy.

names of the ob gyns and mo will be in initials, so if you know, then you know. if you don’t, just read it and think and then move along.

i am stressed a lot these days, and this is how i can calm down and collect myself. maybe my stories will be worth sharing. maybe you want to know how giving birth in a govt hospital really feels like.

because i am planning not to hide anything….much.